The Other Side….
by Growing Flowers
I just returned from a sweet group of women and a “knitting circle.” Some knit, others crocheted. One even spun wool. We made food, drank homemade chai and chatted. It was a lovely Sunday morning.
Yet for some reason I just want to cry.
I don’t know why. Part of me wonders if it has to do with not being in the same life phase as some of these women. I don’t have toddlers, I am not actively farming, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not…. I’m not.
My life, while centered around the children, is at the whimsical beck and call of birth. Birth is all consuming.
We dash off, with anticipation, joy. Hopefully I have grabbed some snacks that will take me through the night. I’ve remembered my yarn, most times. We drink tea and wait. There we chat. Some babies are born with ease others are not.
Sometimes huge medical things happen. Hard, hard births in which every ounce of my body, mind, soul, psyche and skill set is used. I am left, drained, exhausted, shaky. It takes a while to recover. And then everything just continues as normal. We just move forward, move along. On to the next one. More joy, more pain. More babies. New families.
Now, as a midwife, my mind often is consumed by the extreme experiences and stories we witness. It’s hard to be with others sometimes. And I feel disconnected. Unable to talk. I imagine it feels, sometimes, like a war vet. Returning. Isn’t that silly?
Sometimes, not often, I long for the days when I was only a mom. I spent more time at home. I was quieter and in my own little world. I created our world. Played legos on the floor, read tons of books, cooked, baked. I could definitely make better conversation with others.
Being a midwife can be lonely, sometimes.
Love you Kiersten! You should call me.
I’m a bad phone friend Benjamin! Email? Thank you!!
Ah Kiersten, I love you. Being in the thick of mothering little ones makes me long and ache to converse and simply BE with you: older, wiser, and just a little bit ahead of me with parenting adventures. Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability.
Definitely older, dubiously wiser! It is an illusion Sarah-Anne! And I can’t wait to spend the day with you! Let’s pick some days soon, before the time slips away!
I read this and feel like I could be in the same boat many days…well, many days that I actually see other adult persons, which I suppose is not so often.
But seriously, sometimes I think life is just lonely because we’re reminded of the singular nature of it all. And your job, as stimulating and exciting as it looks to me and I’m sure to many others, must deliver heavy residue. I think in another post you mentioned feeling like you have a counseling role so often. And that work, along with it all, is exhausting.
So, hugs from the internet universe. Maybe your lack of connection was a momentary thing. Or maybe it’s simply feeling a little tired and not feeling like doing the work that connecting takes. Dude, the older I get the more I realize how much work socializing takes.
I’m outta practice perhaps though. OK, hugs to you and curl up and do some more decluttering and dog-napping.
Happy new year!
Talking to my husband about it later in the evening, he said, “There is hardly a career or job that doesn’t make one feel that way.”
I thought of my good friend who is a sahm, and know she must feel that way too.
And – yes! Good, good point. I think I wasn’t able to do the work it takes. Socializing is hard sometimes. Sometimes it flows, and other times, holy moly, I feel like an insecure 12 year old! Ridiculous! Thanks to you…..
Deine Ehrlichkeit ist unglaublich und bewundernswert!
Manchmal besteht das Hebammensein, glaube ich, aus viel Geben, Geben, Geben… Man gibt viel und bekommt erstmal wenig. Dann: große kleine Momente, die der Grund sind, warum man diesen Beruf so umbedingt ausüben wollte.
Ich bewundere dich, für deine Stärke und Menschlichkeit!
(Sorry, couldn’t have said it in English this way…)
Danke! Ich habe tausendmal ueberlegt wie ich ein bischen mehr ehrlich schreiben koennte, aber habe nicht gerade genug mut. Ich schaeme mich zu sagen das es schwierig ist. Aber es ist manchmal. Meistens ist es aber herrlich und man bekommt so viel, ich frage mich ob ich zu gierig bin!!
Sometimes when I feel like I am set apart or am not connecting entirely with people I think it is because something is transforming or shifting inside me . . . very subtly perhaps . . . but off enough from my usual groove that I can’t locate my automatic connection. Sometimes, it is because I really have moved into a different life faze. I don’t have babies anymore, and it does feel different being around new moms. They are so continuously absorbed in that perfect time . . . Ho wcould they not be . . . But I really no longer am. Hugs and best wishes : )
Marica