I am fairly competent socially. My life is fairly public being a midwife here. Anonymity is never an issue. I chat, small talk and ask the right questions when I am out and about. I will always know someone wherever I am. No chance of not.
But oh my gosh, sometimes I just seize up and shut down. God, I hate that. It happens when I am least expecting it and when I am most expecting it. This week has been super hard for a multitude of reasons. Emotional. Being a midwife privies me to stories and experiences I would often not experience if I were not so intimately involved in people’s lives. And I, unfortunately, don’t have the armor that it takes sometimes to let things not get so deep with me.
(Joan said there might be some on sale somewhere, she thought she saw it…..)
Anyway life is rough. I spend mine trying to make it easy, sweet and unrough. I concentrate on my steaming tea, or my ice-cold tea, I see flower sprouts when I close my eyes. I narrate my life in a way that feels comfortable to me. I search for the beauty everywhere. Train my brain. Always. It doesn’t mean I don’t see the hard, I certainly do. But I don’t choose to let it overwhelm me.
Until it does. And that happens every once in a while – every couple of months, I would say. And then boom – I go down with it. I can give good advice. (I can definitely give bad advice sometimes too…..) But it is hard to take my own advice. But I did yesterday.
After a day of being in recovery mode and emotional discussions that resulted in a kid chore chart we decided to be social and go out to some outdoor concerts in the small town we live near. The light was perfect, warm, great music, barbecue foods, ice-cream and every single person I have ever known and more.
I kinda froze. Wanted to sit in the corner somewhere and just watch, but it is kind of impossible. Lordy, lord. I got to hang out with my friend’s son who is the sweetest in the world. He was kind of in the same place, so that was nice. It is silly to find yourself feeling socially awkward at this point in life. I have to really listen to my gut. If I am not “peppy” maybe I should stay home!
I kept telling myself it was fun. But I wasn’t having fun. Wanted to go back home and weed my garden. So Kaya and I set off walking. After a minor glitch and an ice-cream for her. We went. And it was beautiful.
I finished up the evening by being outside, watering and weeding. Enjoying those last low rays of sun. Then Kaya and I had a reading party with too salty popcorn and the Elephant Whisperer. Ok – life goes on. Moving on……