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I thought I would choose to stay home today. All day. It was the way I was feeling. I was “off-off” – special terminology for not on-call at all. Not “first-call” and not “second-call.” These days are precious too. Just as precious as the on-call days.  The girls were on the mountain and I was home.  I wanted to savor my “loneliness.” In a good sort of way. You know, with tea, projects, some writing, some purging. A good book stretched on a quiet couch.

A persistent friend convinced me to drive to Dixon for a hike. And gosh, I am so glad I did. I would have languished in my sunny room all day – satisfying too. Yet – this was perfect. Exactly what I needed. Again. These days have been perfect. Aspects of perfect. And even perfect in hard ways too. It is the only way to see it.

I spent yesterday in the pools at Ojo. Again. Great conversation with time not normally had. Relaxed time with real thoughts. An intimacy acquired without effort. I wish I could describe the great luxury that is Ojo. Natural pools, steam, fire pits with the pinon scented smoke – to live for. This smell is sustaining. We picnicked in front of a fireplace, baguette, sliced meat, cilantro, mint pesto. Crackers.  And water. Massive amounts of it to hydrate our parched selves.

And today.

(I had assumed that I would not wake in my own bed this morning. I thought I would be called to a homebirth last night. I was mentally prepared. Imagined it. It was a Wolf Moon. And this woman is not ready. She doesn’t feel ready, and often, those are the babies that come. It’s the thrill of the surprise. True trickster babies. But not one peep. Tomorrow, on my day. I’m sure of it.)

And today. Just the drive through the canyon  was worth the outing. And this friend – well when some say, “hike” they mean  - afternoon stroll. When I say hike, I mean long, long walk. Fast paced. Far. When others say hike, like today – well. It’s scaling rocks. Finding places to pull up, and step. I was out of breath. Often. I continued talking, but was very aware of my breathlessness. A tad embarrassing. Incredible views. Insane. Perfect. Again.

Popcorn with butter and salt. Green tea and good conversation. A similar background. We are east coasters – and I like to remember that part of myself. I came home with a stack of books. Can’t wait to read. So grateful for the day and the sun – for the insane landscape that I get to call home. And awe at the choice of lifestyle, I witness. Magic.

I’ve been having a burgeoning relationship with another woman who is from New Jersey. She grew up only miles from where I did. Our trajectory is leading us towards coffee. I know this, because we couldn’t stop talking next to the olive oil and salad dressings. Then we found ourselves in a deep conversation while picking out cheese. Others politely asked us to move.  She told me an entire story, one that I wanted to hear. (An important distinction in Cids as I am often privy to stories and questions)  And then we began another conversation and could not stop – even at the cashier. I was late for my next event.

I value these relationships. All of them – deeply.

 

Nineteen years ago!

So grateful for the longevity of friendship…..My two closest college friends (and their families) came to have a reunion this year at my home. Three years ago we had it on Lummi Island in Washington – and it was just beautiful. Although my mind is filled with pictures, emotions, stories and memories, Bard College was many, many years ago.  I love that we have managed to remain close and that our children and husbands truly know each other and have the best conversations and times together.

Kaya's bedroom this week.....

Gosh, I looked forward to this for weeks and weeks and feel sad that it is over. I am even exhausted…. we stayed up so late, every night, drinking wine, eating chocolate  and talking, talking, talking. I went to bed last night and purposely did not look at the clock. The sun was coming up over the mountain as I climbed in bed, and, as someone who is often awake during sunrise, I knew what time it was! The boys and children went to bed at reasonable times  - both dogs lay by our feet and Stace, Hester and I  really went there together – to those places that we know in each other so well and not so well. With who else can we be so vulnerable and so known?

Time does really create trust perhaps. I love the conversations we have together, the ability we have to listen to each other and to love each other. I respect and admire these women, their husbands and want to absolutely eat up all their children.  I want to spend more time exploring the places we were able to explore together.

We soaked at Ojo Caliente – the hot springs, we made yummy food, marveled at the children. I loved the reminder of what it is like to live with small children. These children were engaged, curious, focused and fun. I would love every single one of them to be mine! Kaya was in another Theater production with Missoula Children’s Theater and this was a fantastic Saturday afternoon activity for all of us. We hiked to the river, we bathed, we went to an outdoor live music concert at the Plaza. We sat at our outdoor table, under the hummingbird feeders and snacked, chatted, crocheted, knit.  It was full and rich.

I was able to enjoy my home with legos everywhere, food overflowing from our counters, table and fridge, dogs and children squealing, dishes done and undone, laundry overflowing, again. It’s quiet now, it didn’t take long to tidy up, mop, sweep  - I’m tired, on the couch, drinking tea, eating a tomato sandwich with barely my eyes open. And I’m missing everyone.